Back at Harrison Emergency Room. Amazingly, not for the reason that I thought I would be back here for. Mom slipped on the bottom stairs and may have sprained or broke her knee or leg. I for sure thought it would have been because of another OD fall. But it’s been about 4-5 months so we were due a visit. Did not take my medication before leaving so it’s going to be a fun day for me and my mood. Actually it’s already flared up on the drive to the hospital with mom. Eventually I just had to bite my tongue the rest of the way. Then there is dad almost backing into the tree at home and backing into the SUV at the hospital. But it’s ok. Everything is fine and they don’t need help at all 🙄.

**sigh**. Too many negative thoughts swirling in my head and no way to take care of them but to distract myself. How long can I dance this dance.

…like my heart and soul.

It does tug at my heartstrings that I don’t have a son or daughter to have Sunday morning coffee runs.  Or that I don’t have someone to have breakfast with or just to be lazy in bed with on a Sunday morning.

I’ll have to do a better job pushing those thoughts and emotions away…

Using solar power to try to heal the damaged done this morning. Enough to slow the bleeding of my emotional energy, but the wounds remain. This is a no win game that all I can do is slightly slow my descent to the bottom. A pit that I’ll never be able to climb out of. I am too resentful that she kept me on this mortal plane. Resentful of her pig headedness to go to the doctors and follow their advice. Resentful of the addiction that has its hooks in her. Also resentful of my dad for not taking care of himself. For the lies that he tells about the financial situation. For the promises that he easily make and then forgets in a few hours. Resentful of myself for the pathetic creature that I’ve become, unable to take care of my parents or even myself. I am too clouded in pain, fear, and anger to see any other solution but death. But that would be too easy of an way out for me. I am chained to them for as long as they live. Maybe I can eat my way to a heart attack or something. **sigh** maybe I should join her and be a drug addicted. We can do meth and heroin together. The sun is slowing the bleeding, but the miasma of negative thoughts continue to spew out in my head. No solution, only distraction. If only I could pretend I’m happy and believe the lie. Maybe Thin mints when I get home will help. Or distract.

No pen for the Buffy journal, so spilling all of my 40 year old teen angst on here today.

I miss seeing you, being with you, holding you in my arms. I wish that I had time to see you. I wish that one trip wouldn’t bankrupt me financially and morally. I wish I could leave it all behind and just come and be with you. I wish I could break the chains of depression that I lock myself with and just talk to you. But wishes and dreams are just that, wishes and dreams. Ideals that just float in the air like clouds.

To slash my wrists and cut myself than cyber stalking the ex on Facebook and on the Internet Archive Wayback Machine…