Left my bag at home in the room today. Blame getting 8 hours of sleep for that. I really don’t need to bring it if I’m not coloring or using my laptop. Effects of last week still lingering in my mind, body, and soul. Still uncomfortable peace in the house with a week before Eric and family visits. Are Cynthia and her mom family enough to be part of the squabbling between me and mom. Or do we pretend that nothing is wrong in order to not worry Eric? With work still smarting that I didn’t get an interview for the Tacoma position. I should send a thank you but would that really do anything. Is there a way for me to rise in this company or should I look elsewhere. A chance to prove myself would be just the thing to distract me and get me out of this funk, even for a little while.
…like my soul and sanity.
I want to kill myself too mom. I’m tired of living with the pain that I’m holding too. I wish you could see that you’re not the only one in pain. I wish you could see the pain that you cause with you drug addiction and your refusal to get help.
It is 7:45am and neither of my parents are close to being ready. Need to leave at 8am. Was I like this has a child?
I see you were playing the long game karma. Well played, well played.
Taking it old school like this is LiveJournal 2001.
Should I have moved up here 4 years ago. Was I a fool to think that I could make a difference and change either of them. I gave up my friends, my career, and my life, how pitiful it was not withstanding. But here I am, clawing at a career that always seems to just escape my grasp. “Taking care” of two stubborn elderly people that don’t want to be taken care of. And I can barely take care of myself. I want to die and they want to die too, but we all are too afraid or lazy to do it ourselves. We want someone else to pull the trigger. Meanwhile we spiral into self destruction, doing the things we know we shouldn’t do. But we do it anyway because we don’t know what else to do or too afraid to do what we know we need to do. The one good thing to come out of this is that Eric was able to escape the black hole that the rest of us are trapped in. He has a beautiful wife and a healthy son to anchor him on this mortal plane. I worry that he is too alone in Indonesia sometimes, with none of his friends nearby or available. The time difference is a difficult thing to overcome, even with all the technology we have at our fingertips today. But it is better that he is away from all of this. I actually hope that they don’t come over to the house and they force us to go to the hotel to see Max. Superstitiously I worry that the funk that surrounds us and the house will somehow transfer onto him. **sigh** Maybe it’s just the chaos of the weather weighting on me. Rain to sun to rain to hail to sun to rain. I should head home before the rains start again.
Back at Harrison Emergency Room. Amazingly, not for the reason that I thought I would be back here for. Mom slipped on the bottom stairs and may have sprained or broke her knee or leg. I for sure thought it would have been because of another OD fall. But it’s been about 4-5 months so we were due a visit. Did not take my medication before leaving so it’s going to be a fun day for me and my mood. Actually it’s already flared up on the drive to the hospital with mom. Eventually I just had to bite my tongue the rest of the way. Then there is dad almost backing into the tree at home and backing into the SUV at the hospital. But it’s ok. Everything is fine and they don’t need help at all 🙄.
**sigh**. Too many negative thoughts swirling in my head and no way to take care of them but to distract myself. How long can I dance this dance.
…like my heart and soul.
It does tug at my heartstrings that I don’t have a son or daughter to have Sunday morning coffee runs. Or that I don’t have someone to have breakfast with or just to be lazy in bed with on a Sunday morning.
I’ll have to do a better job pushing those thoughts and emotions away…
Using solar power to try to heal the damaged done this morning. Enough to slow the bleeding of my emotional energy, but the wounds remain. This is a no win game that all I can do is slightly slow my descent to the bottom. A pit that I’ll never be able to climb out of. I am too resentful that she kept me on this mortal plane. Resentful of her pig headedness to go to the doctors and follow their advice. Resentful of the addiction that has its hooks in her. Also resentful of my dad for not taking care of himself. For the lies that he tells about the financial situation. For the promises that he easily make and then forgets in a few hours. Resentful of myself for the pathetic creature that I’ve become, unable to take care of my parents or even myself. I am too clouded in pain, fear, and anger to see any other solution but death. But that would be too easy of an way out for me. I am chained to them for as long as they live. Maybe I can eat my way to a heart attack or something. **sigh** maybe I should join her and be a drug addicted. We can do meth and heroin together. The sun is slowing the bleeding, but the miasma of negative thoughts continue to spew out in my head. No solution, only distraction. If only I could pretend I’m happy and believe the lie. Maybe Thin mints when I get home will help. Or distract.