About horangee

A 40-something pretending to live in Washington state.

“Insert sad song lyrics here”

My mind has been my own worse enemy for a long time now and nothing has changed now that I’ve fled to California. Saw Teresa play hockey and wave to a guy and have been battling my mind ever since. Messaging her this morning didn’t really help things. But still to scared to directly ask her the questions I should be asking. Or is this all in my head. Too truly be able to trust my thoughts and live doubt free. A reachable goal or delusional fantasy?

And the drama surrounding my parents still reach out trying to pull me back in completely. I though Eric and I had things figured out. But he is messaging me that they can’t afford assisted care now. What about the house being sold. Are they going to be on the streets? Like always, putting my head in the sand would be the most enticing choice I could make. But it needs to be confronted so that’s what I’ll do…eventually.

My body continues to slowly heal, frustrating me to no end. I just want the pain to end. Which I know my mom probably says every day regarding her pain. Being down here and reconnecting with people is def helping. But I need something more. Whatever that is, maybe I should accept that it might not come from Teresa like I would like it to.

**sigh**. DBT on my own will not be enough, I need to find a group.

Time to say goodbye …

Should be in the Buffy journal, but it’s buried somewhere in my car with the rest of my stuff. Leaving in two days to try and rebuild a new life for myself. One where I will try to be happy and love myself. Where I have my friends to help and support me. One without my mother. The emotions are still there, but I have made a good start at dealing with them and putting them behind me. Mom being mom makes it that much easier.

I will miss some things and people here in Seattle for sure. But unlike Lisa, Monica, and Nick, I just can’t give myself to the Pacific Northwest. It’s a pale imitation to the Bay Area I left my heart in. Maybe it was just the time I moved up here, when race issues became a bigger deal. Although there is always race issues, so that’s not a really good excuse. Maybe it was because I saw how those issues could directly affect me. One of the effects of the Bay Area bubble is how it is so diverse that you forget how not diverse other parts of the country are until you leave it. Although that bubble has also popped with some of the events that have happened in the Bay.