Author Archives: horangee

…In Bed

…In Bed

Sunday Breakfast

Morning breakfast at Marvin’s in downtown Novato before going to the visitor center for Leadership work. Was expecting it to be packed since I left the house late due to daylights saving time, but it not packed at all. Guess I’m not the only one affected by the time change.

Sigh…I think I’m ready for my experiment in civic duty to be over. I am just not cut out for it. And not management material to my company, apparently. Depression talking but that’s what I feel. Wonder if this is going to turn into another Follett situation where we get bought out and I eventually get laid off. Wonder about that, but wonder if I will even make it to that point with the 2nd American Civil War looming in the back (more like middle) of my mind. Is it because I’m black that I fear it more than Barry does.

Don’t tell Vanessa…

…but I wish I would have got her in this color.

…in bed

I love Vanessa, but…

I really should have got her in blue. Wondering if I’m cursed for getting black instead.

Scenes from a museum

Some pics from the Marin Museum of California Art.

…in bed

Why me?!?

OK, so I know that I came right at closing time to get a cake. And to be fair, it’s been years since I’ve had to write on a cake. And I do remember when the icing was too hard to use to write on a cake. But come on, I picked the most basic cake and most basic message. If the icing was too hard, just tell me that you can’t do it. Like I am livid raging and depression shaking at the same time ready to throw up. I’m going to have to go to the other Safeway or a real bakery tomorrow morning to get something else.

“In other to love someone else, I have to love myself”

This is my “inception “, the central underlying thought in my head. Part of me thinks it is something that Suzanne implanted, although deep down I know it isn’t true. I do wonder where/how/when this thought buried and attached itself to my mind. Was it from something I read; something I heard in a movie or a song, Did I learn it from someone else? Being unable to love myself, it’s the reason I wanted to kill myself. If I can’t love anyone else because I can’t love myself, what’s the point of living. Wanted might not be the right word, as one secret is I always want to kill myself. I’ve just put up enough mental barriers up not to act on it anyone. But it’s the reason that I’ve withdrawn from almost everyone and everything. If I can’t love myself, no point in others trying to love me. I am the only one that can learn to love myself and it’s something only I can do; well obviously I can’t. It’s something I have to do myself and alone. If I am alone and push away any and all other distractions, I’ll have no choice but to focus on the issue at hand. How’s that going for me. In bed in the dark typing this out on my phone. ••sigh••. Maybe it’s time to stop looking for a truth that I will never be able to find and just sink into the lie; lie to myself that I’m happy until I just blissfully believe I’m the lie. If you believe that the lie is the truth, eventually does it become the truth? If it works for Trump and MAGA…