Monthly Archives: April 2021

Crepeville at Davis

Probably not the best place to goto for someone that gets annoyed with people waiting in line during COVID. But the eye candy and people watching on a nice Sunday morning can’t be beat so in line I guess I’ll stay.

There is something to be said for the youth and energy of a college town. And the old man/daddy eye candy that is all around doesn’t hurt things either. It does make me miss working at a college bookstore. Maybe if I get fed in a reasonable amount of time I’ll walk around a bit.

I want to get the lady with the dog kicked out so I can take her seat. But I’m not going to be catty and dramatic; just going to be thankful for the seat I have.

Watching the friends, the families, the couples getting together for Sunday brunch. In the distance I can hear the live music coming from Davis park. The meds much be working as I’m not lamenting my lonely existence like I usually do or trying to matchmaker myself with everyone that walks by.

The champagne in the mimosa is dry but the alcohol in it is nice, like welcoming an old friend.

My mind is wondering what kind of face I need to have for someone to come up and talk with me

Probably not the face you want to walk up to. Maybe the mimosa will get a smile out of me
French toast, scrambled eggs, bacon, mimosa, iced mocha, water.

The food is good, if not for the fact it’s the same thing I get whenever I come here. I really should order a crepe the next time I come here.

It never ceases to amaze me how tethered we are to our phones. The irony of me typing this on my phone is not lost on me.

I would love to stay and just casually look at people all day, but I can already feel the lonely and jealous thoughts forming and n the back of my mind. **sigh** not sure if the mimosa is helping me or those thoughts. Let me get my Mint Mojito from Philz coffee and drive back to the imaginary safety of my room.

Saturday on Vacaville

Chocolate cannoli & peach smoothie

Downtown at the German bakery wait for Barry to get his hair cut at Barber Joe’s. After a year of COVID, it is nice to be able to sit outside with a snack & drink and just people watch. To forget about all the other troubles in the world and the ones that I have. Can’t totally escape the world though. For every 5-10 people & couples a homeless person walks by. Were they always here 30 years ago when we were pretending to play adult and have coffee drinks at Cafe Dolcè? *sigh* To be close to homelessness but elite enough to casually think about the homeless problems while eating at a patio café; this country is really fucked up on different levels.

The meds continue to throw my body and mind out of wack, although maybe the haze that I’m on is what I need right now.

Not doing well

I am not doing well.  The meds and my DBT training keep me from falling into the abyss, but how long can I be held suspended over said abyss, staring into the darkness everyday.  Even if the rope holds, how long can I stare into the darkness before my mind is swallowed up by it.  I look at all of the things and people that are suppose to bring me joy and I feel nothing.  The happines class tells me that I just need to lie to myself and eventually I will believe the lie.  But they dont teach me how to believe the lie.  Not that I really need them to teach me how to lie to myself, I do that on my own every day.  But I can’t get myself to believe in the lie of being happy and the lie of loving myself.  I’ve lied to mysef and others in order to keep myself alive but those lies are slowly coming apart and eventually I won’t have those chains to keep me here.  Then what?  Once all the lies are gone, then what. Maybe the peace that I want so badly, the peace I don’t get while sleeping or wasting my life away.  **sigh**  Probably not the thoughts that I should be releasing from my head…

Video

Depresive thoughts

I finally got myself out of bed around 11am and into the the shower and I had Billie Eilish “Everything I Wanted” in my head and I was softly singing it and I realized that I had changed the words around to made is depressing and suicidal.  That’s how fucked up my mind is, how whatever goes into it just gets turned and twisted.