More non-journal ranting

Taking it old school like this is LiveJournal 2001.

Should I have moved up here 4 years ago. Was I a fool to think that I could make a difference and change either of them. I gave up my friends, my career, and my life, how pitiful it was not withstanding. But here I am, clawing at a career that always seems to just escape my grasp. “Taking care” of two stubborn elderly people that don’t want to be taken care of. And I can barely take care of myself. I want to die and they want to die too, but we all are too afraid or lazy to do it ourselves. We want someone else to pull the trigger. Meanwhile we spiral into self destruction, doing the things we know we shouldn’t do. But we do it anyway because we don’t know what else to do or too afraid to do what we know we need to do. The one good thing to come out of this is that Eric was able to escape the black hole that the rest of us are trapped in. He has a beautiful wife and a healthy son to anchor him on this mortal plane. I worry that he is too alone in Indonesia sometimes, with none of his friends nearby or available. The time difference is a difficult thing to overcome, even with all the technology we have at our fingertips today. But it is better that he is away from all of this. I actually hope that they don’t come over to the house and they force us to go to the hotel to see Max. Superstitiously I worry that the funk that surrounds us and the house will somehow transfer onto him. **sigh** Maybe it’s just the chaos of the weather weighting on me. Rain to sun to rain to hail to sun to rain. I should head home before the rains start again.

Harrison Emergency Room, my old friend…

Back at Harrison Emergency Room. Amazingly, not for the reason that I thought I would be back here for. Mom slipped on the bottom stairs and may have sprained or broke her knee or leg. I for sure thought it would have been because of another OD fall. But it’s been about 4-5 months so we were due a visit. Did not take my medication before leaving so it’s going to be a fun day for me and my mood. Actually it’s already flared up on the drive to the hospital with mom. Eventually I just had to bite my tongue the rest of the way. Then there is dad almost backing into the tree at home and backing into the SUV at the hospital. But it’s ok. Everything is fine and they don’t need help at all 🙄.

**sigh**. Too many negative thoughts swirling in my head and no way to take care of them but to distract myself. How long can I dance this dance.

Solar healing

Using solar power to try to heal the damaged done this morning. Enough to slow the bleeding of my emotional energy, but the wounds remain. This is a no win game that all I can do is slightly slow my descent to the bottom. A pit that I’ll never be able to climb out of. I am too resentful that she kept me on this mortal plane. Resentful of her pig headedness to go to the doctors and follow their advice. Resentful of the addiction that has its hooks in her. Also resentful of my dad for not taking care of himself. For the lies that he tells about the financial situation. For the promises that he easily make and then forgets in a few hours. Resentful of myself for the pathetic creature that I’ve become, unable to take care of my parents or even myself. I am too clouded in pain, fear, and anger to see any other solution but death. But that would be too easy of an way out for me. I am chained to them for as long as they live. Maybe I can eat my way to a heart attack or something. **sigh** maybe I should join her and be a drug addicted. We can do meth and heroin together. The sun is slowing the bleeding, but the miasma of negative thoughts continue to spew out in my head. No solution, only distraction. If only I could pretend I’m happy and believe the lie. Maybe Thin mints when I get home will help. Or distract.