Have you ever been in love not so much with the person you were seeing but rather with your image of that person and the life the two of you could have together? If so, were you aware of this at the time?
Being born in the sign of Taurus and Venus, I am somewhat of a hopeless romantic. So I have totally fantasized and thought about being with other people in my head. I Mainly it’s just sexual in nature and it’s with someone that I don’t know, but see on a semi or regular basis. A few months ago I was secretly crushing hard on the Starbucks Barista that’s next to my ferry. I saw them on a dating app and put two and two together. They are pretty good looking, but way too young for me and I would not have the courage to ask them out. Who else? Several ferry riders, bookstore customers, other retail employees, homeless persons, and many more. Luckily, I’m still sane enough to be able to separate fantasy from reality and haven’t got myself in trouble or anything.
My bigger problem are the situations I create in my head with the ones I am actually seeing or have had a relationship with. With my depression, I’ve set myself up with situations where I let the depression conjure up untruths and lies that I have believed about myself and others. And as a result, help torpedo those relationships. Now that I have received treatment for my depression and know what to look for, I can somewhat fight the illusions that my depression creates. But it is a constant battle to question what I think to see if it is real or the depression talking.
The other part is the not moving on once a relationship has ended and dreaming of ways to get the relationship back together. This has cost me years of my life and in some ways I still haven’t learned my lesson. And part of me realizes this, yet the stronger part of me still clings on to that hope. Does that make hope a good or bad thing? At this point in my life, with my depression, I can’t even imagine anything with anyone. Even my FWB, I cant see anything too much in the future with them. Its just the depression at this point its easier to not think to far ahead and just to survive one week or one day at a time. Imagination is a luxury that I cant afford right now.