Monthly Archives: December 2016

ok, maybe being alone and at home on new years is getting to me.  just want to cry and goto sleep forever. 

I probably should wait until I get off the ferry to post this, but I’m am so glad that this year is over.  Between everything that has gone on in my family life, my work life, and in life in general, I am just exhausted of life.  The new drugs are helping a bit, but still.  Was thinking about doing resolutions, but no energy to try to come up with a list.  Feeling a little down that my New Years consist of going home to eat, maybe play a game for a while, and maybe watching the fireworks on TV.  But it’s more of the “Wish our family celebrated the holidays more, but too tired to do anything about it.” kind of down.  Just glad that this is the last one that I have to deal with for awhile.  Happy New Year; maybe the odd forever be in our favor in 2017.

So I’m not suppose to believe the thoughts in my head because they are lying to me. But on the other side, I’m suppose to lie to myself and believe that I’m happy until I believe the lie. Being pulled in two different ways (actually more than two ways) and not sure I can take much more. And now the only hope I have is getting back on to more medication. Ironicies of life indeed. 

I totally hold this underwear responsible for the bad day that I have had.  I should have not chanced it and changed out of them as soon as I put them on.  But no, I decided to tough it out.  I should have left them in the bathroom when I had to take off almost everything to take a dump with them.  But no, I decided to slog through the day with them on.  Bad decision.  I should burn them and never talk or think about them ever again.  But I think I’m going to give them one more chance at some point.  But for now, they get washed and buried at the bottom of my pile of underwear choices.

No Illidan, I am definitely not prepared. Journaling here because I still haven’t made a decision on my coffee stained Book of Suzanne journal and wether I should still use it or not.  Currently 0-2 when it comes to me an journals vs. liquids.  No prepared for Christmas…actually, a little prepared on that.  Got dad’s gift, maybe get mom a card and take her out shopping later.  Ham dinner is paid for.  Have little decorated tree.  As good as it is going to get.  No prepared for this interview in less than 3 hours.  Not prepared or still not 100% committed to the job.  Little of column A, little column B I suppose.  Some words of wisdom from my former bosses might be what I need.  Or more drugs to calm me down.  Going to try some instrumental BT so see if that works.  Do I really want this job?  I want to help out the department that I’m work for in some meaningful way.  I don’t feel like what I’m doing now is helping.  Which is giving great customer service and stocking my sections.  I want to do more and feel like I can do more to help.  I have 20+ years that says that I can do more.  But am I leaning too much on this heritage of mine?  Like I’m leaning on the hope that I can ever hotspot my phone to this laptop for a halfway decent internet connection on the ferry.  Not sure what I’m doing wrong or if it is the cheapness of this laptop.  Anyway, back to the main problem at hand.  I don’t have any questions lined up or any game plan going into this interview.  The original plan was to get info on how bad the department was doing to get an idea if I wanted to stay or if I should start looking.  And I guess that is still on the table.  But even with the previous buyer leaving after two days (and that will be brought up), I mean I’m going in having to learn how to use one system and then switching over to a completely new system in a few months.  And original RATEX, while loads better that the crap at Follett, is still archane RATEX.  God, I wished that I would have kept my old RATEX manuals.  Even with them focused on Receiving, it would have been a little helpful.  Maybe I should have reached out to Megan and Sherylin for advice.  But I feel like they are keeping their distance and I still maybe a little butt hurt over the Buyers and Buyers post; god, why do I have to take everything personally.  Thanks depressive mind.  I can do this.  I can be an Art Buyer, even with no formal art experience.  I’ve been in the college bookstore business for over 20 years.  I’ve learned so much about supplies and art from Juan, Amber, Monica, Irene, and others.  I have the support of Heidi, Dave, and the rest of the floor staff.  I am familiar with the companies and know that I can get support from them.  The community is also supportive of the art department and wants it to succeed.  I will not buy 5 million oil paint sets, by mistake or on purpose.  OMG, I am going to cry at this interview, I know it.  Damn, my depression and meds.  **Sigh**  They are (or might be) desperate, which could be in my favor.  OK, I can do this….

Oh yeah, today was not a good day to try a new style of underwear.  Need to make a note of that for the next time I have an interview.

Is it the fact that I thought I was the only black person in the theater, or was it the fact that I was the only person there alone and not in a group.