The Book Of Questions – Question #33

What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?  Is there anything you hope to do that is even better?

I guess I have had some accomplishments in my life, no use in trying to deny that to myself or anything. But were any of them great and what was the greatest out of all of them.

Being with Suzanne is something I consider an accomplishment, since I should have been too old and out of her league. But the fact that she liked me enough to be with me for four year is a pretty great feat for me. The same with April and Teressa, again dating above my pay grade (that begs the question of who would be in my pay grade) for a number of years.

Going to Korea for seven years is also an accomplishment, I guess. I’m still amazed at the number of people that haven’t left the country or even their own state. And it was a great experience for me  But I didn’t really do anything for that since I was 10; I mean I had to go.

Graduating from college is another accomplishment. I guess the number of black college graduates is still low, but greater than it was before. An college was the best 10 years of my life, I suppose. But I can’t say it was my greatest accomplishment.

The greatest thing I have done is that I’m still alive and (somewhat) dealing with my depression. It has cost me so much in money, time, experience, friends & lovers, energy, health. I mean, what would I have accomplished if I didn’t have depression or let it affect my life the way it has? And even now, with me being the best I’ve been in years, it’s not like I’m living or anything. More like a deer caught in the headlights, paralyzed with fear.

However, I am alive. And life is an amazing thing that is worthy of being an accomplishment. They say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. It may not have killed me, but enough wounds and scars remain that I question how I have become stronger. But many have had depression and have not been able to survive and died because of it. So I should be thankful(?) that I was able to pull myself up enough to live.

With all the above being said, I do not have any dreams or goals in my life. Between surviving the depression and giving up my life to my parents, I have nothing much really to live for. I am alive? But the challenge now is to discover a reason to live and to keep on living. There is the minuscule chance that I hope that I will get back together with Suzanne or Teresa, but that is not really realistic. I need to discover a purpose or a reason to continue living.