Monthly Archives: October 2009

Pre Halloween sickness

Just watched the House episode when he got sent to a psychiatric facility which makes me wonder just how close I am to being sent to a facility.  More than that, it made me wonder about my inability to let go.  To let go of the pain that I have.  To let go of the feuds that I hold on to.  To let go of the guilt that I carry.   All of it is a morass that I wallow in.  And while my therapy is helping me to deal with it, none of it helps me to escape it.  Isn’t there a theory that in order to escape quicksand, you have to relax and let it take over you so you can float out of it….hmmm, that doesn’t sound right.

Resisting the urge to go out and gorge my pain away with some fast food, like I’ve been doing for the last couple of days, weeks, months for a long time it seems.  Still won’t loose any real weight until I get to the gym again.  But baby steps., first I need to starve myself and start eating better and less.  And fight off this cold/flu before it even happens.

Still I’m hurt that…didn’t come over like she said and hurt that she didn’t text or anything.  Guess that is sign enough though.  Maybe it’s the skepticism and wariness that comes with being a Capricorn.  I would have been worthy of your trust, I think, if you would but give it to me.

Anyway, it is past my sleep time, which is sad for a Friday night.  Maybe I’ll stay up and watch a movie or something.  Still haven’t watched In Burges yet?  Or maybe I should just sleep, my body is still aching like I have a cold/flu or something.

Bad Capricorn

For Teresa

bad capricorn

Ghosts of the past and forgiveness

Stopped in Vacaville on a tip that the Denny’s there had been knocked down and demolished for what looks like a chicken shop.  The loss of the Denny’s made me take a drive through Vacaville to visit the places of my past.  In previous trips, there has always been the ghost of those memories to greet me at these places.  But this time, there were no such ghosts.  Had the passage of time finally release these spiritual being.  Or had the city changed so much that the ghost were made irrelevant.  I think the only trips to Vacaville that I will take will be the ones when I look at my yearbook.  If that….

The one thing that therapy is not  helping me with is the question of forgiveness.  To ask others for forgiveness is a daunting task, but one that I am up for.  While I am comfortable forgiving myself for using Facebook and neglecting my journal, there are other things that I have yet to forgive myself for.  For betraying them and their trust…no for abandoning them and pushing away their offers of friendship and help.  That is what I cannot forgive myself for.  That is what therapy can’t seem to find for me.  The forgiveness is the answer that I seek.  This lack of forgiveness is what keeps me stagnant and depressed, I think.

Is the answer God?  I wish it was, but God is like a person on a boat while you are drowning.  He is willing to save you as long as you agree to his conditions before you board.  Conditional forgiveness is not what I am looking for…I don’t think.

Being a good boy

Being a good boy and doing laundry instead of going to the movies. Being a bad boy by stealing bandwidth from a router. Not really my fault that they didn’t change their password. Wishing that I could talk to….but she’s was out of town today and not sure if she would be up to going out after driving from Sacramento. Actually, I’m being a wuss and not texting her for some reason. I should…maybe not

Rent: The Musical

LOVED IT!!!!Rent Marque