More Thoughts: Who Am I?


So one of the things that I have been doing lately is searching the web for info on my old friends. Here is a picture of Kathy, Lesa, Amber, and myself.  I think we took this in Susanville.  Anyway, I was surprised to say the least to see this picture.  I destroyed all of the pictures that I had awhile back, which shows the level of fuck-upness that I have gone through (I’m a history major and historians keep everything.)  Amanda also had a little message on her MySpace about me which was again surprising.  I say surprising because it has been years since I have seen any of these people and I had expected them to forget about me.  But they haven’t and it seems that they would forgive me if I reached out to them.  While in Vacaville car shopping, I drove by Gabi’s and Barry’s house, not expecting them to be there.  Barry was a real estate agent the last time that I saw them and I figured that they would have moved out of their house, esp. with two kids.  But there Barry was, taking his kids out of the minivan. All I could do is drive by the house and watch.

The whole reason of me pushing them away was I was trying to find myself, or at least I think that was the reason I gave myself.  The twisted logic of thought was/is that I was/am a bad person for loosing Suzanne, and in order to do penance and to forgive myself, I needed to be alone.  I think that was my train of thought at the time.  And to a point it still is.  I still haven’t forgiven myself for loosing Suzanne.  And while I’ve come close to understanding the reasons why I lost Suzanne, I haven’t figured out what to do next.  And I not sure if I’ve really forgiven myself nor do I know how to forgive myself.  At this point, I’ve just created this small little bubble that I live in, with nothing coming in or out of it.  I don’t have a reason to stay in the bubble anymore, nor do I have a reason to get out of the bubble.  So I do nothing.  I just rot and fade away.  Until one day I’ll just disappear.