Written Journal Entry (Sometime in July 2006)

So fat and the espresso shake that I just had isn’t really helping.  I really have to control myself better.  More will power.  I need more willpower in a lot of things.  A lot of things.

Still need to get keys made; will do it tonight.

Don’t believe that I’m taking Paul’s job.  I have a feeling that I am going to get fucked.  Hopefully it won’t be too bad.

I need to figure out how much to ask for.  $5000 more than they offer.

Greed, Anger, Ignorance

Some of the things that are chained to me and keeps me pinned down.

Sometimes…I miss my friends.  Although I am learning to live without them…maybe live is too strong of a word since I am not living

I wonder if I have made the correct choice; maybe I should ask for forgiveness.  However, in the end, I think I have made the right decision.  Some have made attempts to contact me, but i know they are half hearted at best.  They have given up on me, has I knew they would, has I wanted them too.  The condition that I am in, I am in no place to be a friend to anyone.

Regardless, what is done is done.  And for good or bad, it is one less thing to deal with.  Or rather it has been dealt with and I can narrow my focus.

“I have the sense to recognize that I don’t know how to let you go…”

I don’t want to be here.  I want to be home crying on my bed.  I don’t want to be outside, trying to force myself to be at ease with myself, to love myself. But I do what I have to do.