The Book Of Questions – Question #117

Have you ever considered suicide? What is so important to you that without it life would not be worth living?

To answer the question, yes I have considered suicide. In fact, I consider it in variuos degrees every day. Sometimes it is just a passing thought; sometimes it involves detail plans on how I want to kill myself. Actually, it’s more of me planning it everyday and what level of planning than just thinking about it. For instance, some days are just “I’m going to kill myself soon” days; while others are “At 8:30pm, I’m going to clean my room and then drive to the Golden Gate Bridge where I will jump off, after writing my detailed suicide note.”
It seems that suicide has always been a part of my life. In high school, I’m sure it was more teen angst than anything, however I failed at two attempt during that time (pills.) And I have dealt with the thoughts ever since then. I’ve seen suicide in the pass has an honorable way to end my life in order to correct some wrong that I have commited or as a way to somehow redeem myself. Now I just see it has a way of ending the pain that I live with everyday. I pain that I have tried to treat, tried to deal with, tried to ignore, tried to get help with; all without success. I’m tired of living day to day with this pain and all I can see in my future is even more pain.
There is nothing for me to look forward to in my future; and without Suzanne in my life, I don’t see the point of me continuing to live at all.