Daily Archives: December 30, 2004

I really don’t think that my resolutions are changed from last year. Loose weight, goto a wrestling show, etc. etc. I think the biggest difference is that learning to love myself is going to be #1. Along with this is continuing to take control of my depression; going to therapy and taking my pills. To be honest, nothing has worked so far. O.k., that’s not entirely true. I am just back to the state I was before I started crashing back in Dec of last year.
It is a scary thing to be able to see youself fall apart or having a manic episode. It’s a feeling of helplessness and powerlessness. I’m suppose to think positivily about this and the most positive thing that I can say is that I didn’t go through with any of the suicidal thoughts that I’ve had this year or harm myself physically. The drugs and individual therapy did help a bit. The group therapy was a waste of time, however. But like I said, nothing has really changed. I still feel that this is something that I have to deal with myself. I realize that I have the love and support of my friends, and I am truly thankful for that. However, I cannot count on there support. They have their own issues and problems to deal with. They have families, morgages, and other things that are more important than to babysit and emotional basket case. I wish that I had someone who could give me the support that I need. I wish that I could find the answers that I am looking for. Or even the questions. However, the psychaitrist don’t have the answer, my family doesn’t have them, my friends doesn’t have them, God doesn’t have them. Doesn’t have them, or is it that I can’t see the answer or understand the answer given to me.

I have to admit that I kinda love my brother’s laptop. Just lounging on the bed, surfing away while he plays Need For Speed Underground 2 with the steering wheel that I got for him for Christmas. I think he likes it.
Caught up on a number of movies. Blade 3: Trinity wasn’t bad. Ryan Reynolds was funny has the smart-ass vampire hunter. Triple H disappointed, and Parker Posey was…wierd. I always forget that the theather in Port Orchard doesn’t have cup holders or stadium seating. Also rented Napoleon Dynamite, Hero, and the Chronicles of Riddick. Hero was a beautifully filmed film, although the story was kinda blah to me. Napoleon Dynamite had it’s funny moments, but I didn’t think it was really good at all. Riddick was about was I was expecting from Vin Diesel. I thought that the movie was a prequel of Pitch Black, but it’s actually a sequel.
Also watched The Incredibles and Von Helsing on my brother’s laptop. I liked both of them and wished that I had watched them in the theather. Also spent time watching Korean soap operas with mom and sports with dad. And spend the week cooking and cleaning with mom. Spend hours yesterday cooking tons of food, learning cooking secrets and stuff.
It’s amazing at how many unsecured wireless connections that my brother has to choose from. It’s almost scary.
made the mistake of calling work. Oy Vey. Even after I told the freight company that the warehouse would be closed until the 3rd, they still tried to deliver something. And also the alarm went off, but all the people on the alarm phone list were out of town. The police didn’t call back the alarm dispatcher, so I’m hoping that it was just paper that set off the alarm. And with all of the rain that has hit the Bay Area, I’m sure that there are leaks in the warehouse.
Spending New Years Eve with the couples. I think that I might be the only singleton at this event. I guess it depends if Kathy & Amber have dates or not. **sigh** To add insult to injury, BT is performing at the NYE rave that Eric is going to. Arrgh. I will never be able to see BT spin a set live; I’m just cursed that way. It will be good to see everyone again and to hand out presents to the kids.
This was a good vacation for me spiritually, I guess. A nice family bonding vacation and all. But I still don’t feel ready to go back to work on Monday. Tons of recieving and 2 interviews when I get back. And I really need to start thinking about the S/R manager position. I am going to take the position, but the amount that they give me will determine how long I’ll stay. Actually, I think regardless, I’ll still go and look to see what other jobs I can get. I was suppose to have worked on my resume, but I never got around to it.
I made my donation to the tsumani relief fund. *sigh* I hope Irene is alright. Nobody has called me, so I’m assuming that she is alright. I’ll stop by Amber’s when I get back and see if she has heard from her.