thoughts and dreams…

I’ve wanted to write for quite awhile now, but haven’t had the energy or motivation to actually do it. It just seemed like too much trouble. Even now, it’s really dificult for me to write this, and I’m sure all that I want to say won’t get out. I sometimes wish that I had a voice recognition program so that I could just say my thoughts out loud, or maybe have the fabled LJ chip placed in my head and have my very thoughts transfered to my journals. Anyways…
The main reason that I’m typing this is to talk about the dream that I had a few nights ago, or was it last night. Ever since I’ve switched to Paxil, I’ve really lost sleep and my sleeping paterns have been really erradict. Among other things. But anyway, the dream was that I was in a mansion at the top of the stairs and people were comming into the mansion all dressed up. I assume that it was all people that I know, but the only ones I really remember seeing were Jesse, April, Angie, Lesa, and Michelle. There was also another part of the dream where I walked in on a teenage Antonio (Barry & Gabi’s older son) having sex with some girl in his room. And then I was having a sex coversation with him, telling him that he nothing to worry about in high school, because he is part Peruvian, so he automaticlly has the good looks from his mom’s side of the family and he will inheret his dad’s big penis size. I have no idea where that part of the dream came from. O.k. so the most important part of the dream was when Lesa and Michelle came into the mansion. Lesa was looking really hot in the dream; like I don’t remember what she was wearing, but she was really hot looking. And she was really pissed off with me. And I was begging her to help me with something, but I don’t remember what it was. All I remember that I was crying and pleading for her to help me, and she did. And then when everyone was leaving, we got into a fight….it wasn’t a fight per se. But words were said between us and we were both crying. Things didn’t end on a bad note, more like an undecided/wait and see note.
Tomorrow is my last session with Dr. Grace. I have mixed feelings about it, but overall, I guess I am thankful for what help she gave me. Both Dr. Grace and Brickner raved about the new shrink that I am going to be seeing. Apparently, he is the head of the dept. or some top guy. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. Anyway, 3 weeks before my next appointment.
Sometimes, I just think that I need someone to slap some sense into me, or just physically knock the depression out of me. It has been done before by a number of people before. Jesse punched some sense into me in high school. Shawn has tackled me before. Lesa hit me on the head before (but her laughing her ass off kinda ruined that one). Dr. Grace thinks that I want someone to come and save me, and in a way I do. I would love someone to pop up on my doorstep, knock me out, drag my carcas to the beach and drown me in the water until this feeling/depression/hopelessness would dissappear and then breathe new life into me. But I know that I can’t depend on anyone else, that I have to depend on myself to survive. I have to learn how to be happy on my own, how to love on my own, to deal with my emotions on my own. The one thing that I have learned is that before you can count on others to make you happy, before you can count on others for emotional support, before you count on anyone else for love, you have to be able to provide all of this to yourself by yourself. Once you can do this for yourself, then you can do this to others.
On a random note, maybe the job tests were right when they said that I should be a national park ranger. Out by myself in a log post in the middle of the forest, watching out for bears, forest fires, and lost campers. Hmmm, you probably couldn’t get DSL or cable out there. Or hot water.