I guess it’s been awhile since I’ve posted something meaningful here.
With the exception of a 3 week addiction to Zuma and popcap.com games, I’ve mostly have been fighting it out with myself.
You can only fight yourself so long before you and yourself agree that to take a short breather to catch your breath.
I’m just exhausted physically, mentally, and spiritually. But my wrists are still uncut, I haven’t been locked up in a hospital, and I still am able to will myself out of bed every day.
My friends have offered their help, and I thank then and appreciate their offers. However, I know that they can’t help me.
I have given up my search for God for the moment. It’s not so much a search for God, cause I know that God is there. It’s just the fine print that I am having trouble with. Does it even matter if I agree or disagree with God as long has I believe in him.
Anyway, God is there and will reach him hand out to you if you are drowning. But the thing is, he doesn’t pull you up, that is still your job. But what if you are too tired to pull yourself up. If God isn’t going to pull you up, you are just left still swimming in the waters, holding on until you are exhausted from treading water and you let go.
Anyway, I’m still not ready to come out of my shell. I’m just taking a break before I start to battle myself again. What it eventually comes down to is that I will either defeat my demons or they will defeat me.
And yet, with all the stuff that I am feeling right now, there is this sense of loss that is hovering over me. Like someone close to me has died or loss someone; or someone close to them has died. It’s like I can feel some of their pain, but I can’t pinpoint it or anything. Yeah, yeah, it’s just probably VD Day depression, the weather or gas that I feeling. But if I could comfort and console this person, or just give them a nice hug, I would.