The majority of this year was spent on Suzanne…thinking, missing,
loving, pining, whining, wanting…Let’s see, I saw her a handful of times this
year. Once at the beginning of the year to get money from her. Saw her
at the Ren Faire twice. Almost got her to come over and fix the plugs
in my new place. Sent her some gifts. Fixed a Valentine’s dinner for
her. But mainly, I just floated in the memories of the past, screwed
up, and wondered where things went wrong and where to go from here.
I still miss her. I still love her. I still wrestle with the
questions that were left unanswered. I go through the days and i do
double takes when I think that I see her when I in and around San
Francisco. And yet, at the Dickens Faire, I actually did feel her
presence there. Am I psycho, or just crazy?
I still hurt. And it is not the hurt that we are not together. That
hurt is still there for me. However the pain that hurts me the most is
the fact that I am the only thing that causes pain in her life. To
find out that everything in her life is going well, except when I am in
the picture; to know that I cause her pain when I am in the picture,
that hurts me the most. I thought that that was the case at the
beginning of the year when I went to see her. But it wasn’t verified
until the Renaissance Faire when her friends let me know what she
couldn’t tell me. And I’m taken that information and…just suffered
and wallowed in it. Also have taken it out at work with the people
that I work with. But mainly, just letting the pain of knowledge just
sit and brew within me. Sometimes, I wish that I could just let it all
go. It would be so easy….to be Bill. To drink a 6 pack before going
out to an Irish pub for St. Pat’s and then afterwards search for a gas
station that is still open in order to pick up another 12 pack. I do
think about getting drunk way too often. And if I had someone to go
drinking with….or a designated driver…just someone to watch over me
has I let myself go.
O.K. getting shit faced drunk really doesn’t solve anything for me.
Unfortunately, I’m not sure what will help me.
I hope she is doing well. I hope that she is having a great Xmas. I
hope her grandmother is doing well. I hope that her brother was able
to visit her. I hope she got what she wanted for Xmas. I hope that
she is happy. Even if it without me in her life.
You know what I want. I want to be Nicolas Cage and I was Suzanne to
be Angelina Joile and I want us to steal cars together…
no, I know what I really want. I want to fly into Oakland at
9:30-10:00 and I want Suzanne to be there at the airport waiting to pick
me up. We’ll go off and get some breakfast, and then just spend the day
driving and talking, taking silly pictures with my camera…
**sigh** I know that there are alot of things between Suzanne and I.
It has been over a year since we were apart. There have been people,
places, and events that have changed the both of us. And for us to be
together again, we would have to rebuild what was lost between us. And
that takes time.
I wish that I could just skip all of that. All of the rebuilding and
such. I wish that I could just kiss her and hold her in my arms. Just
forget about the past and the future for a spell and just be with her
in the present…