.another attack

had another “Suzanne attack” today. It didn’t last as long, or at least I don’t think it did. I have never been good with time. I wonder how long this will last, the breaking of my heart. Actually, it’s more of a passing curiosity about it. I think that I am resigned to the fact that I will always have this pain.

I know, over dramatic.

However, I never went through this with April. Oh, I pined over her and the lost and all. Drove all my friends crazy and filled journals up with my thoughts. And there was that night that Shawn stopped me, I was really fucked up then. But this is so different. All it takes is to go one wrong way down my path of memories, and then the sharp pain attacks my heart. And I can feel my heart being torn in two. I can actually feel my heart breaking. A year later, and my heart is still torn and wounded.

I wonder how she does it? I guess it helps to have a replacement.

But to go back to the heart breaking and all, I think I’ve just accepted the fact that it will always be this way. That at anytime that I think about her, there is the chance that I will go down the wrong path and the pain will return.

I guess it isn’t the worng path. I shouldn’t call it that. I guess it’s more that the memories become too painful for my heart to hold. Yes, more painful, not too full. I will never have enough memories. And yet, there will always be enough memories to haunt/tease me.

**sigh** Maybe I should just, yeah, exactly.