.weekend emotional rollercoaster ride

[Listening to: Running Down the Way Up – BT – Movement in Still Life [UK] (08:36
Well, I feel that the hormones are calm enough that I can spill my guts out to my journal (and the two people in the peanut gallery that read this).

So I get in the car and just start driving, and ended up on Hwy 35 which I drove down to Hwy 9 and took that into Santa Cruz. With the exception of a few stupid drivers, it was a great ride. Very
reminisce of when I was in Vacaville and would drive 121/128 from Winters to Napa; less windy however. Mainly had to watch out for bicyclists, who were out in force on Saturday. It was a great drive though, a time to think and let the mind wander and graze has I drove through the forests. Discovered where Big Basin Park is at, and found out that recall fever has spread to even little communities in the mountains. And saw two Foster Freezes, which is a big deal because like
Wal-Mart, I didn’t think that there were any Foster Freezes in the Peninsula. Still, it’s going to suck to drive an hour in the mountains just to get a dipped cone…

Anyway, arrive at Santa Cruz and after a slight misdirection ended up at the Boardwalk. Maybe it was the heat, maybe it was the not eating breakfast, maybe it was the long line for parking. All I know that even the hot Asian girls couldn’t convince me to pay for parking. That and the fact that I was worried that they only took cash. So I decided to goto downtown Santa Cruz.

It was there when everything started going down hill. Within 30 min of being downtown, I had somehow convinced myself that I was some kind of pervert for going to the Boardwalk to ogle at girls in bikini’s, like some kind of child
molester or rapist. Also determined that I was too ugly and out of shape to ever meet anyone.
And I determined that the best time for a vampire like myself to come out and lurk among other people is at night time, not noontime. Not even browsing in a bookstore could calm me down and I panic-attacked myself back into my car post haste and drove off, missing another Foster Freeze.

So I drove home via Highway 1, which took me twice as long to get to Pacifica as it took me to get to Santa Cruz. Actually, I was speeding, so I guess I made it in about the same amount of time.

I passed all 3 nude beaches; vampires probably shouldn’t sunbathe nude either, huh?

Get to Pacifica at 3pm and realize that I haven’t eaten since this time on Friday (we had Zachary’s Pizza), so I goto Sam’s Deli and get a Chicken Parmesan Sandwich, goto Starbucks and get a Chocolate Malt Frapachino, and to top it off, I goto McD’s and get a supersize fries. I go home into my cave/room, and binge. The only good thing is that I still hadn’t gone grocery shopping, so there was nothing else for me to gourge myself on (well, I guess I could have slammed dry cereal down my throat.)

So today, woke up crusty faced and hung over. Cleaned up myself and my room and headed out to the movies. Saw Once Upon A Time In Mexico, which was pretty good. Not as good as Hong Kong gun flicks….I guess it’s just the way they are shot. This movie felt more…flowery? More imagery than the Honk Kong stuff. In a good way though. Actually, the death count was less than the HK stuff. Still, I liked the movie, and once again regret not picking up the
Desperado/El Mariachi DVD’s at Virgin.

Driving home, I decided to just go ahead and go grocery shopping at Safeway. I had ordered all of my stuff online, but never sent it off cause I wasn’t sure of the dropoff time that I wanted. Guess I can do it next month. The bill was over what I had spent online. I did buy more than what was online, but I didn’t get some of the discounts that I got online.

Spent the rest of the day eating, sleeping, looking at the books that I’m suppose to be reading (out of the 11 books I have, I’ve only read Fight Club), and played Diablo II (still waiting for the 1.10 patch on that one)

Yes, avoiding issues….that’s me. O.K., why did I freak out and have panic attack, besides the fact that I am ugly and fat, and not interesting, and boring…..and I probably smell. Did I mention my unattractiveness….

Had the thought that I am too tired to climb up and too afraid to bottom out. Or is it reverse, something to think about, Still, it would be easy just to drown my life away with alcohol or drugs (tried porn, but it just didn’t work). Or I could just drown, I mean there is a whole ocean behind me, with undercurrents and sharks and stuff. naw, too cold.

**sigh** Think that I will have to try death by work then. Should have gone and got applications, but I didn’t have job hunting clothes ironed out. Will go and do that Mon or Tues,

As usual, things get expunged onto this journal, but no solutions appear.

**sigh** Too late for pie; def. too late for Foster Freeze…