The Book Of Questions – Question #84

Would you have one of your fingers surgically removed if it somehow guaranteed immunity from all major diseases?

Yes, I would definitely cut off a finger if I could get some immunity. The question is of course, which finger to cut off. The thumb is out of the question because that is one of the things that puts me up higher on the food chain. And also, it would be impossible to use a joystick to play something like TIE Fighter or MechWarrior. Well, I guess it wouldn’t be impossible, but it would make it really hard. Hitchhiking would be impossible, has without a thumb, I would have to resort to my legs, and they are kinda hairy and not really sexy. Wait, I’m only losing one finger, so I would still have a thumb left. DO thumbs even count in this question.

Well, let’s look at the fingers. Can’t lose my index finger; way too important for pointing, shooting, using the L 1-2 and R 1-2 buttons on a Playstation gamepad. And that’s just some of the 1001 uses. And doesn’t a ring go on that finger? Yes, the index finger is too important to get rid of, even for immunity.

The middle finger is also an important member of the family. You need one to give to the asshole that cuts you off; and when you are really pissed, you need to do the double finger. I just wish that they weren’t so crooked (All of my fingers are crooked, I think mainly because of injuries in P.E. classes that I didn’t go see the nurse about.)

While the pinky is the smallest of the fingers, it is also too important to give up. The pinky finger is the promise finger; how can you make a pinky promise without a pinky. No one, esp. children, would ever trust me. And then there is its secondary function, in
conjunction with a coke nail, I am able to pick that annoying bogger out of my nose and flick it in the track. It is also a nice nail tapping finger,
esp. when I’m driving.

So that leaves that fourth digit between the middle and pinky fingers. I’m kinda worried that this finger is actually the ring finger. Still, this is the beauty of it: You only need one ring finger. Other than that, that finger space is just there taking space. Just look at it; it’s too big to get up your nose, not long enough to go down your throat or up you ass. And you don’t need it for any of the major hand signs (Devil Horns/Headbanger, W/West Side, Vulcan Peace Sign). So just chop one off and save the other one for
marriage.

[Listening to: Anna Begins – Counting Crows – August and Everything After (04:31)]