Daily Archives: February 15, 2003

O. K. What the HELL is that lump on my forehead and where in the hell did it come from
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web cam is up and I have the IM running too.
web cam is acting esp weird tonight it seems. Maybe it’s the rain
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Also caught the last of The Bodyguard while on a commercial break
I hope
life treats you kind
And I hope
you have all you’ve dreamed of
And I wish you joy
and happiness
But above all this
I wish you love
O. K. no more sappy romantic quotes….I’ll keep my heartbreak to myself. Guess I will work on the pictures I took and see if any are salvageable.
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Such an idiot for leaving the cam on and then going downstairs to eat and to watch Notting Hillon T. V. What is it about Hugh Grant? What is it?
Anyway, it was a good movie to watch on a rainy Sat. night, I guess. Watching makes me miss my friends. I want to go and get drunk with my friends, to pour over our problems and to make each other laugh. I think that what I like the most about Hugh Grant films, is the friends that he seem to have. Even in Bridget Jones Diary, Renee Z. friends were great. Maybe it’s just a British thing.
Notting Hill quotes:

• After all…I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her
• It’s as if I’ve taken love heroin, and now I can’t ever have it again.
• I knew a girl at school called Pandora. Never got to see her box, though.

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It was an interesting parade, to say the least. I found a spot towards the beginning of the parade on Market and Third. It wasn’t a bad spot, except people were standing on a Muni stop, blocking me from seeing the floats and the bands perform for the television crews. Also, I guess they were behind, cause they were telling the bands and floats to catch up, so some things kinda flew by me. I took a lot of pictures, but I’m not sure how they will turn out cause my camera isn’t really built for outdoor and night shots. Also, since it is digital, it has that delay shot, so hopefully I timed some things right. Afterwards, I just kinda bummed around downtown for awhile, soaking in everything. I would have probably stayed longer if I didn’t have my camera with me. Still, I love this city and I’m not sure if I could ever leave it. O. K. I probably could move to some bay area suburb, but I don’t think I could move to a new metropolis.
O. K., I need to take a hot shower and get some warm food in me. It was cold and wet out there.
Web cam is on for those who care.
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In other news….
Mike has taken off to go help his uncle move some stuff, then he is headed to Tahoe for the weekend.
I would like to get out of bed, but I’m still cold. Need to leave the house by about PM to head downtown for the parade.Figure that I would hang out and window shop at the Mertonand other stores. Hoping that it doesn’t rain while I’m down there. Also hope the new rechargeable batteries that I got last a long time.
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It just hit me laying here in my bed that I am alone again. O. K., I’m not really “alone”; I have my friends, my coworkers, and my family. However, in a way, I am alone again.In some ways, I think that I’m still in shock about everything. The part of me that waits for Suzanne to come back is starting to have flashes of insight that she isn’t coming back. Right now, they are just flashes though, has I chide myself for thinking such thoughts and go back to patiently waiting. What I worry about is the whole healing process; how long will it take. It took me years to get over April, and to be honest, I never completely got over her. It just got to a point that I could move on with my life. There will always be a part of my heart that April will control, has there is a part that Kathy holds as well. **sigh** I just think about past heartbreak and wish that there was so way to quicken the time; to lessen the pain. Unfortunately, modern medicine hasn’t come up with anything yet. O. K., I could just drink or drug the pain away. But those vices are only a temporary solution and not permanent.
The memories that I have of Suzanne are different from others. For Kathy, it’s fragrances and scents, even though she was allergic to them. April was def. about the words, spoken and written. With Suzanne, I would have to say it was visual; from the pictures and photos we took to the range of colors to describe our relationship. I have this song from Garth Brooks in my head, The Red Strokes I think. And yet, with the loss of my hard drive last Sept., I lost a lot of the images that I had of her. It makes me treasure the ones that I have left even more. And then there are the drawings that I have from her; the ones that she hated but which I loved. I would love to take them out and hang them up, but I made a promise that I wouldn’t. I guess I’ll mail them up to my parents house, where they can be placed next to my other memories. Then once or twice a year, I can travel up and take them out and pay my respects to the memories of the past.
I know that I am a romantic fool, but I did think that she would come last night. Lesson learned, Love is not enough, it is never enough.
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Well, the cup is filled with vodka….or it should be filled with vodka so I can drown my sorrows….
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