Monthly Archives: January 2003

Taken from Mix & Match Chinese Astrology by Richard Craze

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Faced with all of the stress and pressures in my life, I have regressed back to the pleasures of my childhood in order to escape. And so I am surrounded on the one side by books and the other side with my computer.
I was a big reader has a child, just devouring books. The library has always been a safe house of sorts for me, a place I know that I could be safe at. And so now, I surround myself with books to read for the weekend:

• The Sum of All Fears, so I can read it before I watch the movie;
• The Asian American Century, a short book on Asian and American cultural relations;
• Road Warriors, a book on the new media and information markets;
• The Way of the Tiger, a book that looks familiar (I might have borrowed it from Suzanne’s grandmother, who has a nice collection of science books);
• HTML 4 for Dummies, because it was the only book that they had on HTML in stock;
• Inside Islam, something that more people in this country should study up on;
• Motorcycle Ride on the Sea of Tranquility, because I liked the cover (yes, sometimes I judge a book by it’s cover. Sue me);
• The Dragon De la Sangre, a tale of dragons that live among us;
• The Weblog Handbook, to seek out some advice on improving this literary creation of mine;
• Blackwood Farm, because there is nothing like the literary prose of Anne Rice to make me forget my troubles.

And then I have my computer. I remember my first computer, a Commodore Vic20. I remember playing games and typing programs out of….God, what was that magazine called. I can’t remember what it was called, but I do remember that I didn’t have a disk drive, but a tape drive. A cassette tape drive. Later I upgraded to a C-128. Well, my computer is a little faster than that old Vic20, but it will serve it’s purpose has I play games and type away.
And so I flee, to forget the pain, to forget the suffering. Will this be enough, though…
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Mike is trying his best to cheer me up.
**sigh** I should be grateful, but inside I just keep thinking that I wish he would go away.
I am in the midst of another depression spell. Which means that I am having thoughts again of cutting myself.
I keep thinking back to the scene in The Royal Tenebaums when Luke Wilson went into the bathroom and tried to kill himself.
I won’t cut myself; I’m no where near that point. And hopefully, there won’t be any more surprises to push me to that point.
Still, with the V-Day holiday coming up, I know that I will be in this state at least for the next couple of weeks.
If I’m going to be depressed, I need to get my game face on so that people won’t bug me about it at work, like they already are.
Going to take a shower now to relax and to practice smiling.
😀
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So last year, I got Suzanne her on domain name and web space. A year later I get charged by her web host for another year’s worth of service. I don’t blame her because they automatically set it so that they will charge you automatically unless you turn it off at their site. The problem is that rent is due and right now I’m short. I also need that money to buy groceries. I’ve been trying to call Suzanne, but I can’t get a hold of her.
It’s not too bad. I think Mike can spot me the money to cover the rent, cause I’m only a little bit short. And if he can’t, then Mary offered to loan me the money. So I will get though this. It’s just the timing of the whole this that is stressing me out. Every little thing is stressing me and I guess it’s showing.
AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!
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With dinner ruined, I am officially giving up.
I took some codeine, so in a little while I will be totally out and put all of this day behind me.
Anybody else want to kick me while I’m down, I figure you got an hour, 2 tops.
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One more day and this week will be over, thank god.
I guess I’m getting depressed again. People are asking questions; checking up on me and stuff. Whatever…
I should be at the store buying groceries, but I really don’t feel like leaving the house. So I guess I will cook the pork chops without the sweet/sour sauce. They should be good enough with just the marinate sauce; and tender too.
I want it all to end. Not sure what that is per se; whatever it is, I just want it to end.
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**Sigh** Only I am stupid enough to try and starve myself during rush week.
I am so tired and drained. So I was suppose to cook pork chops tonight, but I still needed to get a few things. I was waiting on my paycheck to be direct deposited between 6-8p.m. so I could go to the store and get what I needed. Then I went to the bookstore and heard that one manager complained about getting their check deposited too early. So now our checks don’t get deposited until end of payday.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH GETTING PAID EARLY. IT IS ALWAYS A GOOD TIME TO GET PAID!!!
Anyway, I am going to cook one of the pork chop and use it for a burrito. It won’t the other pork chops to marinate for another day.
I am so tired though. I hope that I can stay away for American Idol.
At least I got my stuff fixed on my web site. Something accomplished.
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I paid $1000 in interest on my student loans and all I’m getting back is $22!?!?
FUCK THAT!!!!
I’m gotta figure out what I did wrong here
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**sigh** Why do I even try to find an interesting random journal. I know that all I will get is a stupid RPG journal.
Anyway, there is a break in the action here at work. The guys are gone to get all you can eat BBQ wings, so they’ll be gone for awhile. I have my cup ramen to keep me sated. Yum.
BTW, in case you didn’t know, this is one of the busiest times of the year for me, so if I don’t answer my phone, that’s why.
Still having problems with my site. Wanted to update it for Chinese New Years (It’s this Saturday). Hopefully, I can get things taken care of.
Mike is back from San Diego and the Super Bowl. Apparently his dad got 2 tickets from Tiffany’s Jewelers. Talking about the full package; Luxury Bus to the stadium, VIP breakfast and lunch, seats in the field level of the 45 yard line. The only celeberty that he saw was Evander Holyfield (He says that I’m the same height and build; whatever).
So tonight on Amer. Idol, they pick the 32 semi finalist. after this show, I know that my interest will start to wain(sp?). I only like seeing the auditions to see who’s good and who’s bad. Still, there are 2-3 weeks left of Joe Millionaire.
Got my tax info for my student loans. And if I am figuring everything out correctly, I’ll be getting $500 back. Thank God, I need this money to help me move in the summer. **sigh** I wish I could spend it on myself, for a new hard drive or something. But I know that I need to be focused on the long dist. picture.
Payday is tomorrow also. I wonder if I will have enough money to go see a movie. Is their anything out; I guess Chicago. I wonder if there is a 2nd run theather in S.F.; There has been a number of films I missed in the last couple of months.
What else? I need to goto the store and get stuff for the pork chops tonight. They have been marining (sp?) for a day now, so they should be pretty tender. Need to get some mushrooms, some sweet/sour sauce, and some milk for the mash potatos. Hopefully it won’t get too busy here at work so I won’t be too tired to cook all of this.
O.K. I need to get off. There is still paperwork and stuff that needs to get done.
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