O. K. Done trying to update my web site. Will try again when I get back
Have been trying to update my site for the last hour, but stupid FrontPage is being stupid. Maybe it’s time for me to junk the program and start coding the damn site myself.
Oh yes I did….
I said a couple of days ago that I wasn’t going to talk about Suzanne anymore but fuck that. The whole point of having this is so that I can get my thoughts and emotions out in the open. And fuck it I love her, so if I want to talk about her I will. So there 😛 Now that I have finish arguing with my psyche….
So I went to the laundry mat to wash my sheets and blankets, cause I figured that it would be a good time to do them. If they didn’t dry completely, I could leave them in my room to dry. So I had brought along the Book of the Angelica, which is what I call this book of letters that Suzanne wrote to me but never sent when we had broken up before. I had started writing my own book of letters, called the Book of the Diabloique, which I was going to send to her when I was done. I started to read what I wrote and a lot of it was the same stuff that Suzanne had written about me in the past. So I tore out everything and condense everything into about 3 pages. I was writing all of this out trying to turn the emotions in my heart into words and just doing a terrible job at it. I finished it and then just decided to go up to Antioch to give it to her.
Driving up to Antioch was kinda scary cause it is the first time that I have driven over the bridge and out the city since we have broken up. The entire way I was just a wrecked case of nerves. I just kept having this vision that I would get to her house and she would be there kissing some guy.
Anyway, I make it to her house. Pull myself together and knock on the door. Her sister, Kimberlee answers the door, but I saw her in the kitchen. God she still looks beautiful. It wasn’t like she was dressed up or anything. They were in PJ’s dyeing Kimberlee’s hair. Still, it was so good to see her again.
So, I got caught up on the family and stuff, got introduced to all of the new cats that they have (the number is like 8 or 9 now) and then we went to her room to talk. We are still not back together. She is discovering herself and is happy right now being alone. She let me hold her in my arms. **sigh** It felt so go, so right. It was like time had stopped and I had been given a reprieve from the pain that I have been going through. I wish that I could have never let her go.
I guess most of all I am glad that she is happy. And that in itself makes me happy. I still wish that there was some way of convincing her to get back with me. I told her that I am going to wait for her, she kept on saying no, but I am not going let her go. I love her so much, she is everything to me. But I understand what she has to go through. I have tried to do the same thing before and failed. So I will wait for her, and maybe I’ll do a little soul searching myself. But I will be here waiting for her to return.
Something must have been in that chicken soup, cause I had fucked up dreams all night long. It was either that or the vitamin that I have. I never did finish the post that I wanted to do.
**yawn** Well, today I def have to pack and clean my room. I’m thinking that I will go to the laundry mat to wash my sheets and blankets.
I wish that I had taken some before/after pictures of myself. I don’t think that there would be any difference, but I just feel like I’ve lost some weight and gained some muscles. I woke up this morning and wish that I had someone to take a picture of me cause I felt that I was looking really sexy.
**yawn** Well, I need to throw some clothes on and start unpacking my new suitcase so that I can fill it up. When I’m not traveling, I use it to store all of my memorabilia and junk.
Current mood: good
Current music: Dixie Chicks – Cowboy Take Me Away
So stupid me decides to take my vitamin after I shower. Of course vitamin makes me sick to my stomach. Must remember to take vitamin on full stomach, or at least have something to go with it. Anyway, was able to cook a bowl of soup and get it in my system before I passed out.
Just finish watching Dogma. Good movie. Semi thinking about watching Fight Club next, but I think that I will wait until tomorrow and watch The Witches of Eastwick, to keep with the heaven/hell theme.