One of the hardest things I can do is to destroy paper memories, but I can’t look back on those memories and get fuzzy feelings. I can’t keep letters that piss me off every time I read them. I think keeping things like that is what’s perpetuating my “living in the past” somewhat.
I took my Bridges of Madison County book and took a knife to it, right in the heart of the book. I twisted the knife around and then tossed the book into the garbage. There is no need to burn it, if it’s in the garbage I won’t go back and try to retrieve it.
I thought that tearing up the letters from my very very first boyfriend (I was with him for a month, didn’t really consider him my first) was a mistake. After all the letters had been shred I regretted it, but now that I’m 10 years older I don’t see it as a mistake. It would only cause me to dwell upon it. I wish I had destroyed everything with Billy Zellner and everything with Joseph Lamont Rogers long ago. Those memories bring me nothing but pain and every single time I read the letters I am transported back to the time they were given to me.
And these letters I’ve kept are love letters, they’re letters of hate, of bad karma just sitting around. I don’t even want to read them before I tear them to shreds. I should just be impulsive enough to start the ripping process and not stop. I’ll get the courage and when I think back on the bad memories I’ll have what’s in my head and not hardcopy right in front of me to rip my heart out again.
I never thought I would do this, but my memory is long, and I think I can remember well enough without the little details included in notes and letters. I’m even destroying the “Just because I find you irrisitible” note. Spelling errors I thought as endearing as the misspelling of the word “as” and using “has” instead. Fuck endearing.
Maybe I’ll get all dressed up and do a photoshoot of the process. I’m feeling better already.
I was told for years to get rid of all of April’s letters. I did get rid of all of my written journals (I threw them into a lake) and I have regretted it ever since. I’m just a pack rat though. With my memorabilia from April, it’s all at my parents house in Washington. So I only to get to read them when I visit. I probably would have destroyed them if they were here with me.
Why do I keep them? I think it’s because of the history that is in it. There is so much in it, both good and bad. But the memories that I have in my mind are so much stronger than the physical stuff.
April, I do appreciate the warning that you gave Suzanne. Most of my friends haven’t or wouldn’t do anything like that; they would just encourage me on with the relationship. It was a warning to me too and it brought me down to earth. I have hurt her before, I have hurt you in the past too. If I want to keep Suzanne this time, I need to speak with actions, and not with flattery and words.
It did hurt me to hear those words from you, cause I still consider you a friend (Doomie, sorry, I don’t think I could care less about you). But it was something that had to be said, and I thank you for saying them. And I will show Suzanne that I am worthy of her love.
Current mood: awake
Current music: Listening to KLLC Alice 97.3 on the radio
