(Actually, I don’t blush; my ears get hot)
Current mood: chipper
You may not see yourself as being very gracious and charming at the moment. You may want to take the easy way out rather than struggle valiantly toward the challenges that lie ahead of you. Most of all, you need to see yourself as you really are, not the way others see you. People tend to project onto you their concepts of themselves. Don’t let the mirror distort your own sense of pride.
From a written journal years ago…..
Because of the three or four years of events that has occurred between April and I, I have had to look at my values, morals, and beliefs on almost everything in my life. April has showed me that I am not as powerful as I thought I was. I have seen almost all the aspects of love, good, and evil through her. Today, I am just has confused as before. Few of my questions that I have have been answered. But what I do know is that April was my first true love, that I still love her, and that I will always have a place in my heart for her.
**sigh** 10 years later….I’m still looking at my values, morals, and beliefs. April still can bring me down a notch. And I am even more confused now than before. I do know that April was still my first true love. I do know that I still love April . And I know that there is and will always be a place in my heart for her.
But there is also another person now. Someone who has filled a hole in my life that I never thought that would be filled again. She has left me even more confused than I have been before. But she has also given me some of the answers that I have sought for so long. Some of those answer were no brainers that I should have learned a long time ago. And some of those answers I haven’t been able to accept and I ran away because I was afraid. But the two greatest things that she has taught me is forgiveness and unconditional love. These are things that I would never learned from April. And these are things that have me looking at my values, morals, and beliefs; and making me want to change some of them. I guess the greatest thing about Suzanne is that I want to be a better person because of her. I want to be a better person for her and for myself. I love Suzanne and I think…no, I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with her, discovering and living life with her by my side.
I realize that it won’t be easy; I do realize that. Change is hard; you have to work at it. I am learning that. I am scarred, questions and doubt still surrounds me, like a cloak. There are times where I just want to just give up and run away and go back into the dark corners and hide and cry. And I also realize that this is all just words. “Talk is cheap” and all of that. And April, you more than anybody know the control that I can have over words. You still have the letters and tapes that we sent to each other throughout the years, as do I. “So what if this is all the usual Joe bullshit that only he can spew so well.”
You are right to be concerned. That is what friends are there for. I am glad that you are here to temper my enthusiasm. To force me to see the mistakes and the wrong that I have done. And I have done wrong and have made mistakes. The thing is that with forgiveness and love, all things came be overcome. And with Suzanne’s love, I believe that I came overcome the mistakes and the wrongs that I have done to her and become a better man for both her and for myself.
P. S. I still owe you a love letter…..XOXOX
Current mood: accomplished
Current music: Matchbox 20 – If You Go
…It was about a month before I could free myself to see her. By that time, she had broken-up with Ivan (finally) and was going out with her new and current boyfriend, David (Damn). I do not know the details of the break-up between April and Ivan, but April was not happy about it and went on the warpath against her ex-boyfriend. Unfortunately, Ivan was friends with my best friend, Jesse. And Jesse was ready to go after April to get her off of Ivan’s back. So to head off a confrontation between them, I decided to redirect her anger. So I did. April is a singer and after one of her performances, I insulted her and her boyfriend in front of his parents.
Needless to say, her anger was redirected and once again our friendship ceased to exist. A couple of months passed before I saw her again at her Senior Prom. The smile that she gave me was full of malice and evil. After that, I decided to give her something and to try to explain why I did what I did. I got her a $300 dollar necklace and wrote her a letter explaining my actions and for one final time express my love for her. That would be the final time that our paths would cross.
Current mood: contemplative
Current music: David Gray – Babylon